Musings of a Redeeming Muse
by ImMyOwnDefender
Summary: Set after Advent Children. Lilith muses, comes to a realization, and decides to act.


_**Musings of a Redeeming Muse**_

_**It was days like these, Lilith would do nothing but think; about what exactly? Well, she masked her thoughts well.**_

_**She would stare at the grey clouded sky, recall, ponder, contemplate, and wonder.**_

_**Lilith no longer thought about Aerith (as cruel as that may have sounded), but it was necessary, she realized, that it was for Cloud's sake. And if he was to recover, then it would be best to let go of things too far away in the past.**_

_** But she still resented Shinra, and made no attempt in hiding it, whenever Reno, Rude, Tseng, Elena, or even Rufus Shinra, himself would come into Tifa's bar. On the days they would come in, she would be on her break, and sit in the corner farthest from them, pretending that the bar was empty; she had become good at blocking things out, now, not just certain parts of the past events in her life, and the lives of others, but also people, that she wanted nothing to do with.**_

_**Sometimes Tifa would plead for her to help out, and Lilith of course, gave in, which meant she would have to go and take **__**their**__** orders, much to her chagrin, and disgust.**_

_**Lilith knew that she was being childish, with her silly little grudge, and immature hatred for the people who had destroyed so many people's lives, but can anyone truly blame her for the way she felt?**_

_**Vincent understood in his own silent way, but didn't comment on it, that gave her some comfort.**_

_**Yuffie was trying her best to cheer up by suggesting to play some pranks on the evil Shinra Turk bastards (some of the ninja's ideas made Lilith smile, and laugh a bit, which was Yuffie's own way of making her feel better).**_

_**Marlene (bless her innocent little heart) was too young, but Lilith knew that the little girl understood as well, because even though she was very young, she still remembered all that has happened. **_

_**Including a certain flower girl.**_

_**Cloud was rarely around, but still came around and visited as much as possible(which was a start, though Lilith still thought therapy would have been more preferable, for the spiky haired blond).**_

_**Tifa was being her usual kind, uplifting, encouraging mother-hen-like self, something that Lilith couldn't help but secretly envy and adore about the older girl.**_

_**Barret was his usual rough self, but was strong, and understood her more than anyone, about her deep "dislike" of Shinra, and so was Cid.**_

_**Lilith would listen to the two men crack jokes about the Shinra loudly so that the whole bar would hear them (including the Turks, and Rufus, which made Lilith some sort or satisfaction).**_

_**And then she thought of Yazoo, Loz...and Kadaj.**_

_**Kadaj, who had Sephiroth dwelling within him, and tried to take over his body, and...take her against her will.**_

_**Cloud had come to her rescue at that time, and she was so relieved.**_

_**She thanked him after that, so many times, and each time he would wave her off telling her that it was alright.**_

_**She slowly fell back into the swing of things; but then she remembered, that while she was thanking, Lilith had accidentally blurted out a different name, not his own.**_

_**She realized that she had spoken Genesis's name. Lilith couldn't help but feel guilty for it later on, but didn't know how to face Cloud.**_

_**In her mind, she had almost believed that it was Genesis who saved her.**_

_**Because he had saved her in the past so many times, and he had always been there for her, he had been her hero.**_

_**And Sephiroth...**_

_**Kadaj...**_

_**Kadaj. Sephiroth.**_

_**Sephiroth. Kadaj.**_

_**Two different, and opposite people. Kadaj, despite being a clone, an imitation and a copy, had a personality of his own. His own emotions. And his own fire.**_

_**A very domineering personality. Much like Genesis's.**_

_**The two almost had the same facial expressions, the same sneering voice. Everything right down to the temper.**_

_**But there was a cruelty to Kadaj, that Lilith had never seen in Genesis.**_

_**If there was an ounce of cruelty in Genesis, then it was well-hidden, and his cruelty would be far more poetic and romantic.**_

_**Kadaj had a murderous streak to him, but Genesis was eccentric; there was a reason, and method to the red head's madness.**_

_** Lilith gazed at the sky and wondered again, this time her mind wandered to another – Sephiroth. The old Sephiroth. The one whom she had admired to a certain extent, and the Sephiroth who had adored and loved her so, claiming that he would never hurt or mistreat her. But then he ended up doing the exact opposite. The 16 year old girl calmly ran a hand through her hair, a gesture that she had unknowingly picked up from said red haired hero. If he could see her now, he would probably laugh quietly, and muss her hair up playfully.**_

_**Needless to say, she has become exactly like him when it came to her hair, she disliked it whenever **__**someone would mess it up.**_

_**After the whole ordeal with Sephiroth, Lilith pretty much didn't like it when anybody touched her.**_

_**Lilith knew that whenever Yuffie, or Tifa, or even Aerith tried hugging her, she would always tense up, and she would start squirming in their arms, but she would quickly cover it up, by jokingly saying that they were crushing her (which she didn't know if they believed her or not, but honestly, she didn't care if they did or not). **_

_**Her mind wandered again, and this time she though about Kadaj, and how he had kissed her, in Aerith's church; though she knew it wasn't really him, it was Sephiroth making him do it, and the sad part is Kadaj, didn't even realize it.**_

_**Lilith had asked him why he did that, and Kadaj answered, "I just felt like it."**_

_**She understood his answer, and didn't bother pressing the subject. It was then they fell into silence, and then moments later Cloud had arrived, and Kadaj and him fought in the church, and Kadaj raced away, and Cloud followed him.**_

_** Lilith remembered all that happened after that; Kadaj had become Sephiroth, and she remembered the sky growing dark, and how Cloud was injured, Lilith ran to help him, Sephiroth then attempted to take her by force, Cloud stopped him in time, and destroyed Sephiroth, and Kadaj had returned, but was weak.**_

_**He had been dying and Lilith remembered that she and Cloud both held him, how she had cried silently without making a sound.**_

_**And Cloud was silent too.**_

_**And Lilith remembered how she promised that she would help Kadaj. But that wasn't how she wanted to help him. **_

_**Kadaj had disappeared into the Lifestream, and into Aerith's waiting, and loving motherly arms, where he had found forgiveness and redemption.**_

_**Redemption.**_

_**That was something that everyone here had in common, Lilith noticed. Her, Vincent, Cloud, Barret, Cid, Tifa, Yuffie (probably)Nanaki or as Red XIII as everyone called him.**_

_**Redemption for Cloud for not being able to save Aerith, and Zack, and thinking that he had failed everyone, even Tifa.**_

_**For Tifa, who believed that she had failed her father, and let her home burn down.**_

_**Yuffie, whose country had suffered, and how she was determined to restore it by any means necessary.**_

_**Nanaki who had been an experiment of Hojo's, but kept his family safe, from the clutches of Shinra.**_

_**Barret, who couldn't help his friend, but did the one thing he knew would make up for it, by raising and protecting his friend's daughter, Marlene.**_

_**Cid, who been cheated by Shinra in the past. Though in what way Lilith really didn't know, or she never bothered to ask.**_

_**And Vincent, who was living breathing proof, that evil can exist anywhere, and also the proof that we can overcome grief in our own ways. He believed that it was his fault, for letting Lucrecia, go through with what she had done, 30 years ago, and let Hojo get away with it all.**_

_**Hojo, the very cause of all other people's suffering and misery.**_

_**And lastly there was herself; Lilith knew that she was also seeking redemption. **_

_**In her heart she also needed to be forgiven – for so many things.**_

_**For Angeal, who died too prematurely, he could have lived now, and been here with her.**_

_**For Gillian, who was killed by Angeal's own hand, because he believed that what he was doing was justifiable, and a way to redeem himself.**_

_**Involved in something that both mother and son, were guilty of.**_

_**Lazard, who deserved none of this, he had treated her well.**_

_**There were things that Lilith wanted to be forgiven for; letting men take her brother away, not being able to help her mother.**_

_**Not being able to save Genesis.**_

_**And the last and final thing...**_

_**...was loving Sephiroth...**_

_**She wished that it could have been Genesis, instead.**_

_**And it was.**_

_**Lilith loved Genesis, with all her heart, and sometimes she did think of him as more than just a parent, or a guardian who had raised her since she was 10. She wanted to be forgiven for the many fantasies she had about him, most of them being a bit too, intimate, (but give her a break, she was only a teenager, still trying to go through the hormones, of her 16 year old mind).**_

_**She felt ashamed of her own guilty mind, and how she found herself fantasizing about him.**_

_**Maybe it was all just teenage lust.**_

_**But what she was the most guilty about was loving Sephiroth.**_

_**Even after all that he had done. To her friends. And to her.**_

_**She couldn't help but love him. But only because he was the first to ever love her, and confess to her. **__**Though she had only been 13 years old, he had confessed his love to her, before he went mad and destroyed people's homes.**_

_**Lilith never admitted to anyone, but she loved Sephiroth.**_

_**And she loved Genesis.**_

_**She just couldn't figure out who she loved more.**_

_**And all of these thoughts made her feel like she was a whore.**_

_**A dirty and disgusting slut.**_

_**This was not normal, was it?**_

_**To be in love with two men, at the same time.**_

_**She felt herself becoming tainted. But honestly, she didn't mind anymore, perhaps she would have to live with it for now, until the time would come and she would be forced to confront both men.**_

_** But right now, the one thing she found herself staring at was the dark grey cloud, hovering above the old ruins of Midgar...in the direction where the old Shinra company building used to be. She could see it from here, the window, that she sat next to. Something wasn't right. She could feel it. She never liked it whenever the sky would get darker and turn to night, it made her think about the end of things, as though everything would come to an end.**_

_**But then a new day would also begin.**_

"_**Lilly," a young voice called out to her, timidly.**_

_**She turned her head away from the window, and met the blue eyes of the young boy, Denzel, "Yes, Denzel?"**_

_**The boy smiled as he bounded towards her, and grabbed her hand, tugging on it lightly, "Tifa, said it's almost time for bed," had it already been that late, "And I wanted you to tell me and Marlene a story."**_

_**Lilith blinked, ordinarily, she would correct the young boy's grammar, by saying: "Marlene and I..."**_

_**But this time she didn't, she only nodded, and got up from her seat and followed after him, as he led her by the hand.**_

_**She sat in his and Marlene's room, and smiled faintly and warmly, "What story would you like to hear?"**_

_**Whatever the story was, Lilith had told Denzel and Marlene one. It was a familiar one, about an Angel, and a young girl.**_

_**Glancing out their window, she saw how dark it was, but as she noticed so, she felt a strange feeling overcome her. Rising from their bed, as the two children slept on, she quietly crept out of the room, and descended gracefully and soundlessly down the stair. The bar closed hours ago.**_

_**Everyone had either left and gone to bed.**_

_**Lilith felt a rare, but perfect little smile curve on her lips, as she walked on through the dark, heading to the front door.**_

_** Casting one last look over her shoulder, her smile became sad and wistful. Then quietly she twisted the knob, and pulled open the door, and closed it behind her after she walked out. The streets were cold, but she didn't care; she walked on, neither feeling tired or cold, she actually felt alive. Something inside her stirring, something that had been buried away for far too long.**_

_**And undiscovered and hidden passion.**_

_** Lilith smiled feeling nostalgic, as she walked in a more faster and powerful pace – she was heading for the old Midgar ruins, to where the old Shinra company building was. She was returning to the place where it had all began, where her life had began, where she met the two men she had fallen in love with.**_

_**She felt like she was returning home.**_

_**For the first time she felt like she was home.**_

_**Then why did all feel so wrong...what was she walking into...?**_

_She flew to the ends of the earth, for the ones she loved, and deep into the depths of Hell, where who know what would await her._


End file.
